Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Three things I learned from watching an episode of The Swan last night.

1. It's true! Any average-looking woman can realize her dream of looking like a drag queen.

2. When you try to be something you're not, you end up as just that: something you're not. Only now it's painfully obvious to the rest of America.

3. Trying to be pretty is like trying to write poetry. It's pitiful and sad when you're not successful, and makes us think you have too much time on your hands. Here, Swan, do my laundry.

I know I was supposed to feel uplifted and inspired by these women overcoming "life challenges" and emerging from averagedom all spiffied up. Life challenges?

In fact, I found the whole thing sort of depressing, yet reassuring. I mean, this is the best we can hope for? You're going to spend thousands of dollars to reshape your face and come out looking like a different brand of average? Well okay. I'll pretend I used to look like a monkey and now I look fantasgreat! No one cares what you secretly wish you looked like.

If I lost ten pounds, not a single person would notice. Unless my left ass cheek literally fell off.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is really funny "Any average-looking woman can realize her dream of looking like a drag queen." I have had these exact thoughts. The SWANS faces look so plastic when they are finally revealed - and why do they give women 5 foot nothing tall boobs that are DDD cup sized? Aren't they afraid they'll topple over and hurt themselves?

I love your blogs. You are a very clever writer. Keep posting and entertaining us.

Brooks said...

Ahhh. I hate these new blogger comments! Anyway, aside from that, I just happened by from a blogsnob link (and you thought no one did that anymore) and found your blog to be one worthy of return visits. Thanks!

http://ayola.com/blog

Jennifer said...

I loved this post!

Thanks for the laugh!!

Lunasea said...

I couldn't agree more - I said the exact same thing to Greg about the drag queen wanna-be's. I would have been much more "uplifted" if they'd found some self-esteem without leaving their families for months.