Last chance

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I couldn't be more content as I type this, because napping on my lap is this little baby sweetie:



Her name is Starbuck.

Gertrude, who is not yet a Battlestar Galactica fan, keeps asking what she can call the kitty.

"Starbuck," says Gary. "That's her name."

"Can I call her Ruby?" says Gert.

"No. You can call her Starbuck."

"I think I'll call her Hopscotch," says Gert.

"Um, that's not her name either."

I think she's having a hard time not being the one who named the small furry things in the house.

Matilda, on the other hand, who is ordinarily completely indifferent to the animals (because they're not her boyfriend. She's indifferent to everything that's not her boyfriend) is head over heels in love with the kitten. It's really sweet.

Mmm. Kitty love!

What to do with this?

Gert just announced that she'd tried to hack a classmate's online reading assessment account. She knew his user name, so she tried a few times to figure out his password. She bailed on the attempt when the system alerted her that it was going to notify her teacher that "he" was having difficulty logging in.

She just wanted to take a few reading tests for him to boost his overall score.

At least her little hacker heart is in the right place.

Monster poo. RAWR!

This post contains more urine and feces than a Metrolink elevator.

First, the urine.

I'm trying to be healthy. I've been taking vitamins and processing that into the most vibrant of hues. I love it. Mornings are never boring.

And now, I promised Gertrude I would not repeat this story. Which means I absolutely have to.

I was watching TV and Gert peeked her head around the corner. "Mom? I've got a monster poo knocking at the door, so I'm going to the bathroom!"

I looked at her. I have no idea why I needed this information, but I said, "Okaaay…?"

Several minutes later, Gert pranced by on her way to her room. "False alarm!" she announced.

I began to wonder if I'd somehow signed up to receive informative, periodic updates on Gert's bathroom behavior. If so, how could I unsubscribe?

Then Gert came up to me with a concerned look on her face. "Uh, mom? I think I need a little help."

"Why? What's wrong?"

She shifted her weight awkwardly. "I thought I just had a fart, but it came out a little extra."

I leapt up and led the way to the bathroom, calmly explaining that it's nothing to worry about, everyone has a little accidental skid mark from time to time. No big deal. I helped her off with her undies, we'd just give them a quick soak and –

Plop.

That was no skid mark.

Saturday morning trainer ride

Dad set Gert up on a trainer next to his this morning.



She immediately began taunting him.



She then slipped these on, kicked into her biggest chain ring, and called out, "See you later, sucker!"

Recipe for a Friend

The other day, Matilda and Gert walked past me, each carrying a teaspoon of something white and granular.

"What, are we freebasing now?" I said.

Matilda explained, "It's sugar. I'm going to help Gert make an imaginary friend."

So this intrigued me, and I followed them to the hall bathroom where Gert's older sister told her to stand in the corner and pay attention.

Matilda began the demonstration.

"The first thing you have to do," she said in her teacher voice, "is stand in front of the mirror and close your eyes, and imagine what you want your friend to look like." She squeezed her own eyes shut and imagined for a moment. "Really see her, what color her eyes are, what color hair she has, what she's wearing."

I glanced over at Gert in the corner, holding her spoon tightly and grinning excitedly, her eyes glued to her sister.

"Then," said Matilda, her eyes popping open, "you cast your sugar into the sink!" She sprinkled the contents of the spoon into the basin. "Then you spin around three times and say your friend's name to summon her!"

Too much Harry Potter in my house? Never.

"Then," said Matilda when she'd finished whirling, "turn on the water, and when the sugar's all washed away, you look into the mirror, and there you'll see her! But only you can see her. And only if you believe."

"OH!" shouted Gert with profound delight. "My turn!" She all but shoved Matilda away from the sink, scattering sugar over the bathroom tile.

Some time later, I looked up from my knitting to see Gert parading past, clearly leading an army of the imaginary behind her.

"We're going to go play school," Gert told me.

"Oh, okay," I said. "Who is?"

"Me and Emily and Mylie."

If this was Matilda's way of shrugging off her little five-year-old shadow for a few hours and having some personal Gameboy time, that girl is freaking brilliant.

The Gertrude Sweater: Embossed argyle cardigan in pink (of course)

Size:
children's 6-8

Materials:
Bernat Satin (100% acrylic, 166 yds), 3 skeins
Size 6 needles
Size 8 needles
Size J crochet hook
tapestry needle
8-10 small buttons
needle and thread

Stitches:
1x1 rib: *k1, p1; rep to end of row. In all subsequent rows, knit the knit sts and purl the purl sts.

Garter Stitch Diamonds (from "The Harmony Guides: 450 Knitting Stitches, Vol. 2"):
1st row (RS): Knit
2nd row: p4, *keeping yarn at front slip 2 purlwise, p6; rep from * to last 6 sts, sl 2 purlwise, p4
3rd row: k3, *C2F, C2B, k4; rep from * to last 7 sts, C2F, C2B, k3
4th row: p3, *keeping yarn at front sl 1 purlwise, yb, k2, yf, sl 1 purlwise, p4; rep from * to last 7 sts, sl 1 purlwise, yb, k2, yf, sl 1 purlwise, p3
5th row: k2, *C2F, k2, C2B, k2; rep from * to end
6th row: p2, *keeping yarn at fron sl 1 purlwise, yb, k4, yf, sl 1 purlwise, p2; rep from * to end
7th row: k1, *C2F, k4, C2B; rep from * to last st, k1
8th row: p1, keeping yarn at fron sl 1 purlwise, yb *k6, yf, sl 2 purlwise, yb; rep from * to last 8 sts, k6, yf, sl 1 purlwise, p1
9th row: knit
10th row: as 8th row
11th row: k1, *C2B, k4, C2F; rep from * to last st, k1
12th row: as 6th row
13th row: k2, *C2B, k2, C2F, k2; rep from * to end
14th row: as 4th row
15th row: k3, *C2B, C2F, k4; rep from * to last 7 sts, C2B, C2F, k3
16th row: as 2nd row
Repeat these 16 rows.

Single crochet: insert hook into a stitch, wrap yarn around hook and pull up a loop. Wrap yarn and pull through loop. After last stitch in row, chain 1 (wrap yarn and pull through loop 1 additional time).

BACK:
CO 60 sts with smaller needles. Work 1x1 rib for 1.5 inches, ending with a WS row. Switch to larger needles.

Slip 1 edge stitch, begin Garter Stitch Diamond pattern to last stitch, k1 edge stitch. Always keep 1 edge stitch on each side of the diamond stitch pattern (k on RS, p on WS) – this edge stitch is NOT mentioned in the pattern above. Work until piece measures 11" total length.

Begin armhole shaping: at the beginning of each row, dec 3 sts twice, 2 sts 4 times, and 1 st 4 times (42 sts). Continue in pattern as established.

When piece measures 18", BO center 8 sts and work each side separately. At neck edge, dec 3 sts twice, then BO rem 11 sts.

LEFT FRONT:
With smaller needles, CO 28 sts and work 1x1 rib for 1.5 inches, ending with a WS row. Switch to larger needles. Slip 1 edge st, work Garter Stitch Diamond pattern, k1 edge st. Work until piece measures 11", then begin armhole shaping: at the beginning of next RS row, dec 3 sts. Then dec 2 sts at beg of next 2 rows, and dec 1 st beg next 2 rows (19 sts). Continue in pattern as established until piece measures 17". On next WS row (at neck edge), BO 4. Then dec 2 sts at beg of next 2 WS rows (11 sts). Work to 19" in established pattern. BO rem 11 sts.

RIGHT FRONT:
Work as for left front, but reverse shaping (work armhole shaping on WS and neck shaping on RS).

SLEEVES (make 2):
CO 30 sts with smaller needles and work 1x1 rib for 1 inch. Switch to larger needles and k6, place marker, k18, pm, k6.
Next row (row 2): p6, (keeping yarn at front slip 2 purlwise, p6) 3 times.
Continue Garter Diamond Stitch pattern above beginning with Row 3 as established, adding 2 edge stitches on each side.

On Row 8, inc 1 stitch at the beginning and end of row (32 sts total, 3 edge sts each side).
Continue in pattern and continue to increase 2 sts every 8th row 9 times (48 sts).

When sleeve measures 16", begin shoulder shaping: BO 3 sts at beginning of next 2 rows, 2 sts next 4 rows, and 1 st next 4 rows (30 sts). Continue in pattern as established until piece measures 18". Dec 1 st at beginning of each row 7 times (16 sts). BO remaining 16 sts.

Finishing:
Seam all pieces together.

Pick up an even number of sts around neck edge and work 1x1 rib for 1 inch. BO loosely.

Button band: Work 3 rows single crochet along front edge of Left Front. On Right Front, work 1 row single crochet, then on row 2, chain 1 and skip 1 st at evenly spaced intervals to allow desired number of button holes. Then work a 3rd row of sc.

Line up buttons with holes and sew into place.

Weave in ends.