Won't be the last time, I'm sure

The Easter bunny brought Gert (who loves all things Shiny) several bottles of glittery nail polish and some nail stickers.

Gert gave me a very excellent manicure last night, with silver glitter polish and a blue dragonfly on my right thumbnail.

Gert then gave herself the gold glitter treatment, blowing on each nail to dry her polish. She selected two matching pink butterfly stickers and affixed one butterfly to each of her middle fingers.

She held her hands out with a look of critical admiration, then beamed at me, looking for compliments.

"Fantastic!" I told her. "Show Daddy."

"Hey, Daddy!" Gert called, cheerfully extending both middle fingers to her father.

Here, take my sweater...

P3200003
Originally uploaded by squeakyweasels.


Happy Sweater Day from Matilda, Gertude, and a random neighbor kid!

I highly recommend that you celebrate today by wearing your favorite sweater, remembering the lessons in kindness, joy, courage, and curiosity that Mr. Rogers taught you and your kids, and listening to "The Way That I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson:

Potential Break-Up Blog

I don't ever seem to have time for you. And you're lonely. You feel like the last priority on my list. I get that. I know you're reading other blogs, and I don't blame you. I want you to be happy. I guess the kindest thing to do would be to walk away. But I keep telling myself this is just a temporary thing. Things will calm down and the job will stop being crazy so maybe we can both go back to the way it was. This blog can be good again! I still believe I can make you want to read me. But I know that's just a fantasy. Deep down I know you can't make someone read you. It's not you, it's me. I just can't let go.

This post started out funny, but I think I creeped myself out a little. Now I don't want to look in the mirror because I'm probably watching me.

The weasels are free! (watch your feet)

Since April of last year, the Adopt a Weasel event has generated a respectable number of donations for the MS Foundation from both pattern sales and weasels. If you are among those nice people who contributed, THANK YOU! I really, really do appreciate your generosity.

Now I feel like it's time to set the weasels free.

If you look over to the right under the Free Patterns section, you'll see a link to the PDF for the baby weasel pattern and his larger cousin, the beanie weasel. Both are available through the cool, new Ravelry pattern store, which I hope you can access even if you're not in Ravelry yet. (If you're not, and you can't, just drop me a note in the comments and I'll gladly send you the patterns you need.)

P.S. Update on the TMJ issue... I have dislocated cartilage in one of my jaw joints. So no surgery needed (yay!) but if I ever want to chew food again I need to splint it with a mouthguard that is inexplicably not covered by insurance. Thanks for hanging with me through the drama, and now I promise to stop talking about it. Let's all knit weasels instead!

Sorry, but this is the truth.

Every Valentine's day I'm reminded of how lucky I am.

I'm just ridiculously in love with my husband. That's all.

Plus, tonight we're taking the kids out for heart-shaped pizza at our favorite pizza place. Because our kids are awesome little people and we kind of love them a lot, too.

Gert's special valentine

For those who are curious, still no word about what might be going on with my jaw. I will say this, though. If anyone is ever trying to take an inside-out picture of your head and they suddenly tell you not to swallow for the next three minutes, guess what? The desire to swallow will utterly consume you.

Do you know how long three minutes is? It's exactly 180 seconds, and I know for a fact that I resisted the urge to swallow exactly 180 times during those three minutes.

We're making lots of valentines at my house this week. Meaning that, from the depression in the couch where I typically sit and shout things at my children, I've been announcing that We Need to Make Some Valentines! Come On! Glitter! Cardstock! Yay! And then everyone mumbles something in agreement, goes back to whatever they were doing, and I make a mental note to purchase a box of Hello Kitty cards for Gert's class.

Gert, at least, has gotten into the spirit of the thing. The other day, she spent a good 45 minutes crafting a very elaborate card with hand-drawn fairies and flowers. When she was done, she called me over and asked me to spell some words.

"Who's this for?" I asked. I was grinning on the inside watching her put this much effort into it, because most of Gert's creations are gifted to either me or daddy. It's very sweet.

"I can't tell you! How do you spell 'Happy'?" I spelled out each word of Happy Valentine's Day for her.

Then she asked me to spell "door."

"Dora?"

"No. Door!"

"Door? Like a door to a room? That kind of door?"

"Yes!"

So I spelled it. And she went and got a piece of tape and stuck her elaborate valentine to the back door.

"Happy Valentine's Day, door!" Gert said lovingly to the large piece of laminate. She patted it, kissed its doorknob, and then skipped off to the next room to play.

WTF.

This morning I met with an oral surgeon about my jaw, which provided shockingly little insight.

Here's pretty much how it went.

Him: So what seems to be the trouble?

Me: I'm having some trouble with my jaw. The side of my face hurts, and it feels like something is pulling when I try to open my mouth.

Him: Let's take a look. Can you open your mouth for me? You're not opening very wide. Are you usually able to open wider than that?

Me: Um. No. That's kind of the problem.

Him: Do you chew a lot of gum?

Me: No. I don't really ever chew gum. But I tend to clench my teeth a lot.

Him: So you don't chew a lot of gum?

Me: No.

Him: Hard bagels? Candy?

Me: Not really.

Him: Have you been in an accident recently where you would have had any trauma to your jaw?

Me: No.

Him: Do you chew a lot of gum?

I'm going in for an MRI later this week because apparently I don't chew enough gum.

Elf feet!

If you are as much of a nerd about these things as I am, or even if you're not, you have to agree that this is the most adorable footwear I've ever put on the feet of my children.





They're knitted and felted elf slippers, handmade by momma-yaya. They are absolutely perfect. It's like they were molded and custom tailored to my kids' feet. They're warm, and soft, and lightweight. I can't get Gert to even wear socks around the house, but she lives in these slippers.

I highly recommend that you order a pair of elf feet for your own kids (or yourself!) over at momma-yaya's etsy shop!

So cute! I love them!

Temporoman-dig it, baby

You know how they tell you nobody likes to hear you complain? Well tough. It's my party.

Right now, the entire right side of my jaw is an aching, swollen mess of enraged ligaments which are clamping down on my temporomandibular joint and preventing me from opening my mouth more than an inch wide.

And when is the soonest appointment with the oral surgeon? Next Tuesday.

That seemed really accommodating earlier this week when it was just sort of annoying that my mouth wouldn't open. And yes, okay. I should have addressed it years ago when my jaw started popping out of place every time I opened my mouth. And then the first time it locked shut for a couple of minutes, I should have made the call. But what do I know? I'm an idiot. An idiot with generalized anxiety who can't make phone calls without getting all worked up about it first.

So now I can't chew, yawn, turn my head, or brush my teeth with any effectiveness. I have pain throbbing and radiating from the side of my head, down my neck, and well into my shoulder blade.

Cymbalta for the anxiety. Muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories for the TMJ. But not until Tuesday. Until then, I whine. Deal with it.

By the way, now that I'm a couple weeks in and past feeling all nauseous from the Cymbalta, it actually has put the brakes on a lot of the mental tail-chasing.

Underpants demystified

Gertrude's kindergarten teacher has had just one area of concern: no matter how many times it was explained it to her, she just couldn't keep straight which coins were pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters.

(However, she knows the PIN to my checking account.)

So we've been giving Gert a handful of coins each week and letting her shop with them so she gets a sense of what the coins mean.

Gert likey the shopping.

With a Target gift card her babysitter gave her, she shopped for the perfect pink purse and a wallet. In it, she keeps her Cotton Candy Chapstick, Bubble Tape, Ring Pops, and all her other change-driven thrill purchases. This purse has become Gert's lifeline and primary reason for leaving the house.

I took Gert and her purse to the mall with the promise of a Cinnabon because we needed a girl's day out and I needed her to try on some pants. Of course, I got sidetracked by $4 clearance shirts at Old Navy, so Gert sat on the floor and counted her change while I rooted through racks.

"Hey mom, what's this?"

I looked down, and Gert was holding up a very alarming pink satin and lace thong.

I very much wanted her to stop touching it.

"It's just underwear," I said. "Just put it down."

"WHAT?" said Gert in disbelief. "This is NOT underwear! HOW is this underwear? Where does it go? I don't get it!"

"Just. Put. It. Down," I repeated.

"But where did it come from? I don't see any other underpants around here. Did part of it fall off? What does this tag say?"

I exhaled. "Please trust me on this one," I said. "It's just very skinny underwear. I swear to you."

Gert was quiet for a long time. Then she announced, "Oh, I get it. This part is where you put the vagina!"

"Please give it to me," I said, holding out my hand.

"Hold on." Gert opened her purse and unzipped her wallet. "I think I have enough money to buy it."

A week of 90 percents

How is my Christmas shopping? 90 percent completed! Christmas knitting? 90 percent! Copy on my desk that I have to turn over before noon today? 90 percent! Everything's at 90 percent.

That just means I've been completely buried by the other tens. It's kind of a problem, because once something gets to about 90 percent done in my head, I just go on and mentally check it off the list.

This morning I'm trying to do a full day's worth of my old job so I can devote the afternoon to figuring out what I'm supposed to be doing in my new job after next week. My door is shut so that when my head explodes I won't spray matter at anyone. No that it matters (ha ha) because most folks have already left town for the holidays.

90 is starting feel like good enough for most of it, don't you think? Except the knitting.

Forget it (I already have!)

I love the Christmas task listing! I started out in November with a big fat list of stuff I needed to do, and every week I cross things off! Because I haven't done them and now I no longer feel they're all that necessary to my enjoyment of the holiday.

Note to self. Sometimes ignoring things DOES make them go away!

Gertrude has launched her little six-year-old self into the season with a metaphysical exploration of all the major religious beliefs and their accompanying celebrations. This past weekend, she insisted on buying a wooden dreidel and phoning up a Jewish friend of ours to find out what the symbols meant. This was on the heels of a discussion of angels and whether or not people who are still alive can feel angels hugging them. This morning, she asked what Kwanzaa was and what kind of people celebrate it.

Meanwhile, I've fallen in love with this little ending credits song by Jonathan Coulton:



And I made an offhand comment to Gary that it really needed to be the centerpiece of a CD. Something about the epic struggle of man vs. robots and technology.

An hour later, he bounded upstairs and handed it to me. A CD of Evil Genius. Oh, yes. He is that good. You should borrow it sometime.

Back!

Like the new template? Neither do I. But at least this one's not breaking the Internet. And okay, Blogger's drag and drop editing IS way faster and easier than doing it by hand.

If I owe you a link, I promise I'm in the process of digging through the messed up code of the old site's wreckage to try and get that stuff back up.

sorry... template issues!

Fun with bankers

We opened two new checking accounts today at lunch. Gary already has his business accounts at this particular bank, and we'd decided to switch our personal accounts over.

As our friendly rep was walking us through the online bill pay setup, he showed us how we'd be able to transfer money easily between accounts.

"You can also name them whatever you want," he mentioned. "Just type the name of the account in here."

Gary said, "We can name them anything?"

"Sure, whatever you want."

Gary looked at me. "We should name one Peter," he said. "And the other one Paul."

This is why I married him.

Dogs don't get birthday cake

Gert and I were cuddling on the couch before school, and Finnegan wandered into the room. He came over and set his furry little dog chin right on my knee.

"How's things, Bud?" I asked him.

"Rough," he said.

I skritched his ears sympathetically.

My little baby Gert is six today! She's such a smart and sweet and funny little human. No wonder Finnegan is a little sad to see her growing up.

Homemade Apple Pi

Did you need a quick and fun gift for your kids' teachers? Because I did…



Apple Pi
A felted apple cozy with leaf drawstring

Materials:
Less than 1 skein each Elann Peruvian Highland wool (or other feltable worsted wool), dark red and white or natural (off-white)
A few yards of worsted weight green yarn (example uses Reynold's Signature wool/acrylic)
Small amount of NON-WOOL scrap yarn
Size 4 DPNs (or size needed to obtain gauge)
Size G crochet hook

Gauge: 5 sts/inch in stockinette stitch, before felting

Bottom of apple:
Using red yarn, CO 6 sts onto 3 needles. Place a marker and join for working in the round, and increase every stitch by knitting into the front and back (KFB). (12 sts)
*Knit one row. KFB every other stitch to end of row. Repeat from * 3 times.
Rearrange sts over 4 needles when desired.
Knit one row.
KFB every 3rd st to end of row (54 sts).

Apple body:
**NOTE: at this point, if you do not wish to include the pi symbol, continue to "drawstring shaping" by knitting 21 rows plain.**
Knit 8 rows.
After marker, k 5 sts and then begin working chart at row 1, working each row from right to left:

X=red
O=white

9. - - - - o o - - - -
8. - - - o - - o - - o
7. - - o - - - - o o -
6. - o - - - - - - - -
5. o - - - o - - o - -
4. - - - - o - - o - -
3. - - - - o - - o - -
2. - - - - o - - o - -
1. - - - - o - - o - - (← begin chart here)


After row 9 of chart, knit 5 rows plain.

Drawstring shaping:
Next row: *K2, k2tog. Repeat from * to marker at end of row. (42 sts)
Knit one row.
*K2, yo. Repeat from * to end of row, ending with a yo.
Knit 3 more rows.

Picot point bind-off:
BO 2, *slip lone stitch left on right needle back to left needle. Cast on 3 sts to left needle using backward loop method. BO 5. Repeat from * to end.

Felting:
Thread non-wool scrap yarn through drawstring holes and felt vigorously, using the felting method of your choice.
Reshape and allow to dry.

Leaf drawstring:
Using green yarn, crochet a chain approx. 12 inches long. Break yarn and pull through loop to secure.
Remove the scrap yarn from apple and thread the chain through the drawstring holes. You should have both ends exiting from the same hole.

Leaves (make 2):
Using green yarn and 2 needles, CO 3 sts, leaving a 4-5 inch tail.
Next row, slip 1 st knitwise, KFB to increase, k1. (4 sts).
Sl1 purlwise, bring yarn to front and KFB next 2 sts, p1. (6 sts)
Sl1 knitwise, KFB, k2, KFB, k1. (8 sts)
Sl1 purlwise, purl to end of row.
Sl1 knitwise, ssk, k2, k2tog, k1.
Sl1 purlwise, purl to end of row.
Sl1 knitwise, ssk, k2tog, k1.
Sl1 purlwise, p2tog, p1.
Slip 1, k2tog, psso. Break yarn and weave in end.

Knot each leaf's CO tail to each end of the crochet chain, and weave in ends securely.

Siblings of the night

Gert had a half day at school yesterday, so I met her at the bus for a lunch date at McDonalds.

A bunch of kids from Gert's school had had the same idea, so as we were waiting in line for McNuggets and fries, she pointed out to me which kids she knew.

One set of blonde-haired kids accompanied by a grandparent looked about the same age, so I asked Gert if she knew if they were twins.

"Yes, they are!" she told me. "But they don't look exactly alike. They're nocturnal."

The twins looked directly at me with innocent smiles, and their pale eyes flashed red.

I'm sorry... WHAT time is it?

Hello, it's Monday. It's November. Daylight savings time has officially kicked in, and with it my annual holiday freak out.

I'm not knitting Christmas gifts this year. I'm not! Except for the seven that I haven't started yet. Seven is actually a lot more than zero, I guess, if you really think about it. Thinking about it is where I draw the line.

Thinking about things leads to thinking about more things, which leads to a big, fat anxiety spiral. But that's another topic.

The Christmas knitting involves things I really do want to make, so I'm looking forward to that. Just not the rest of it.

Every time I try and let things go, I end up feeling twice as worthless because of all the things I could have done but didn't. So that's not the answer.

Maybe this will help. I printed the checklists, forms, and countdowns on this site, and put them in a neat little binder. The more tasks I check off, the more sane I feel. So maybe that's a good thing.

Genome Map Socks

Hooray, hooray, it free pattern day!

I'm really excited about this one. Not only does it start the month off on a deliciously geeky note, it gives you the opportunity to "play" with the louder and brighter colors in stripy sock yarns. So here we go...

Genome Map Socks

Description:
Socks knit from the cuff down in self-striping yarn, applying different stitch patterns to certain colors to achieve distinct areas of color that resemble a linear genome map.



Materials:
Yarn: 400-500 yards of sock yarn in a repeating colorway that contains one predominant color or hue, and 1-3 accent colors.
Needles: 5 size #1 DPN’s or the size needed to achieve gauge.

Gauge:
7 stitch = 1 inch in stockinette stitch

Size:
Women’s S(M, L)

Cast on 52(56, 60) sts and divide equally over 4 needles. *Purl 1 row. K 2 rows. Repeat from * 3 times to create garter stitch cuff.

Begin stitch pattern:
Designate one accent color as Color A, and a second accent color as Color B. If you want to designate a third color (Color C), it can be worked in the same way as Color B.

Work in st st (knit every stitch) until the color of the yarn changes to Color A or Color B (or Color C, if applicable). When working stitches in Color A, *yo, k2tog, repeat until the yarn color changes again, ending with k2tog. Resume st st in main color(s). When working stitches in Color B, purl every stitch until the yarn color changes again. Resume st st in main color(s).

Continue in stitch pattern until length of cuff measures 6-1/2(7, 7-1/2) inches or desired length.

Work heel flap:
Knit across 26(28, 30) stitches for heel flap, and arrange the remaining stitches on the other needles to be worked later. Turn, and purl back across heel flap. Continue heel flap as follows:

Row 1: (RS) *Slip 1 stitch wyib (selvedge stitch), k1, repeat from *.
Row 2: (WS) Slip 1 stitch wyif (selvedge stitch), purl to end of row.

Work heel flap until you have 13(14, 15) selvedge stitches on each edge.

Turn heel:
Row 1 (RS): Knit 15(16, 17) sts, ssk, k1, turn.
Row 2: slip 1, p5, p2tog, p1, turn.
Row 3: sl 1, k to one st before gap, ssk, k1, turn.
Row 4: sl 1, p to one st before gap, p2tog, p1, turn.
Repeat rows 3 and 4 until all heel sts have been worked.

Knit across heel sts, and pick up and knit 13(14, 15) along heel flap. Work 26(28, 30) instep sts in established pattern. Pick up and knit 13(14, 15) along other side of heel flap. Total sts: 68(72, 78).

Decrease gussets:
Round 1: K to 3 sts from instep, k2tog, k1, work instep sts in pattern, k1, ssk, work to end of round.
Round 2: k to instep sts, work instep sts in pattern, k to end of round.
Repeat rounds 1 and 2 until sts are decreased to 52(56, 60) sts.

Arrange stitches on needles: 13(14, 15) sts on needles 1 and 2 (top of foot), and 13(14, 15) sts on needles 3 and 4 (bottom of foot).

Work sts on needles 1 and 2 in pattern, and needles 3 and 4 in st st until foot measures about 6-1/2(7-1/2, 8) inches, or about 2 inches less than total desired foor length.

Begin toe decreases:
Decrease round: On needle 1, k1, ssk, k to end. K to last 3 sts on needle 2, k2tog, k1. On needle 3, k1, ssk, k to end. K to last 3 sts on needle 4, k2tog, k1.
Knit 1 round plain.
Repeat decrease round and knit round until you have 6(7, 7) sts on EACH needle remaining – 26(28, 28) total.
Repeat decrease round until 8 sts total remain (2 sts on each needle).

Graft 8 sts together using kitchener st.