Stitchpop

My department just had our first annual celebration of Festivus. There was the airing of grievances, followed by feats of strength, and suchlike.

I started jotting down several of my grievances, and found it rather cathartic. You should try it.

Lion Brand Yarn, you have disappointed me in the following ways:

• Homespun. Home! Spun!
  
• Not all knitters think Fun Fur is such tremendous fun.
  
• 90 percent of the free patterns you offer are ponchos. There are only so many times you can spell out the directions for knitting a pocho. 1. Make a rectangle. 2. Seam it. The end!
  
• There are way too many knots in a skein. You appear to be hastily tying broken strands back together again and hoping no one will notice. That's just not okay.
  
• You discontinued Cotton Ease yet introduced about 500 new novelty yarns. Damn you.

[Insert Unnamed Marketing Manager Here], you have disappointed me in the following ways:

• Five minutes before a brochure was supposed to go to print, you completely butchered every inch of copy and laughed it off as you handed it back to me saying, "Revise now, or revise later!" Eff you, you effing gap-toothed bastard. There's a black smudge where your soul ought to be.
  
• And then a few days later you asked MY BOSS when you were going to see a new draft of copy. Because apparently I have nothing else occupying my time. How about... when I effing feel like getting around to it? Is that good enough for you, Satan?
  
• Oh, and let's not forget how in the middle of the last sales meeting rush you insisted that I devote large and unnecessary chunks of my time to putting together a presentation that no one in the building actually wanted to go to. That was useful.

My skin, you have disappointed me in the following ways:

• You broke out in times of stress, just when I needed you most.
  
• As soon as the cold weather hit, you dried up like a cactus.
  
• You did not heal on contact, as promised by the bottle of Lubriderm.
  
• You remained pale and pasty eleven months out of the year, and the rest of the time you were red and blotchy.
  
• Stretch marks. Necessary? I think not.