There's a part of me that always looks forward to taking my kids to the pediatrician's office. Have you ever watched the AKC/Eukanuba Dog Championship broadcast?
No, I'm not comparing my healthy, well-bred, excellently behaved children to puppies. Not even championship pedigree puppies. Honest.
I was there with Gert this afternoon to get an ear infection checked out. An ear infection, as I'm sure you know, is in no way a reflection on my care of Gert or Gert's genetics, habits, or general health. It's simply something that kids of her breed – er – age are prone to.
I paraded my excellent little Gert up to the check-in desk and let them know we'd arrived. Then we promenaded back through the waiting room with all the eyes of other parents and children (most of whom were not quite so excellent) upon us. Gert pranced along beside me, smiling and silently exuding superiority.
"Who's a good girl!" I said, ruffling her hair and slipping her an M&M.
Usually, as the doctor enters the examination room, Gert perches on the table with a winning grin. She straightens her back and folds her hands primly in her lap. This is right about the time I can expect for something unfortunate to come out of charming little Gert's mouth.
"How are we doing today?" asks Dr. Jackie, whom Gert adores and idolizes.
"Know what?" says Gert.
"What?" says Dr. Jackie.
"I didn't wear fresh underwear today!"
It's as if Gert saves these juicy little tidbits especially for Dr. Jackie. As the examination progresses (and a double ear infection is confirmed,) Dr. Jackie is informed of the fact that I have boobies, and that I had refused to believe Gert when she complained about her ears hurting. I had once let her go to bed without brushing her teeth. And see this scratch on her cheek? Once, mommy had sprayed Benadryl on a cut instead of Bactine. And Benadryl specifically states that it should not be applied to broken skin. Isn't that right, Dr. Jackie?
"I think we're going to give you the bubblegum medicine for those ears," Dr. Jackie told Gert with a pat on the knee.
"Know what?" Gert said. "Last time I had that medicine, Mommy gave me M&Ms! In the morning!"
I hastily started gathering up our stuff. "Yes – well – tell Dr. Jackie thank you, honey!"
As we were leaving, I could have sworn I heard one of the nurses say to another, "Did you know that woman has boobies?"