Friday, August 12, 2005

And now, friends, I present to you the conclusion of yesterday's product testing. For those of you just joining us, yesterday around 2 p.m. found me leaving the office for an afternoon of meetings, squeezing my thighs together to prevent a rubber donut from launching itself into restricted airspace.

2:10 – Promise carpool people would be right back and ran to restroom for one last place check. Product seemed to be holding steady. Retrieve maxi pad from machine on wall for backup. Mildly berate self for not thinking of doing this sooner.

2:17 – Confide in coworker about product testing, to circumvent the need to spill to random folks at happy hour later. Voice concerns about being shaped weird.

2:44 – Stop in swanky restroom at hotel to check. Leakage. Blah. Reposition. Congratulate self for picking up pad.

3:15 – Hate this.

3:28 – Hate this.

3:42 – Hate this. Never doing this again. Very uncomfortable. Actually, hate everything in the room right now. Hate uncomfortable hard chairs. Hate speaker. Hate stupid slide show. Grrrr.

3:55 – Escape meeting and head for restroom. More leakage. Very frustrated. Consider giving up. No, must not give up. Probably just doing it wrong. Deep breath, relax. Hmmm? Well, okay! Definitely feel a difference. Still aware of it, but less "popping out" anxiety. This is probably more right. Exit stall with confidence and hope.

4:30 – Find self in small, intimate conference room, seated directly across from head of Market Development. Consider winking inappropriately.

4:36 – Hey there, Mister Market Development. Guess what my cervix is wearing right now?

5:08 – Raise pencil and ask probing question. Deliberately place too much emphasis on the word "instead," causing me to giggle on the inside.

6:20 – Things are not going too badly. Then again, I am holding a glass of Merlot.

9:12 – Join husband on couch for post-child couple time in front of TV. Show him the box. He is horrified. I sometimes forget he's not as fascinated by female biology as I am. As I'm explaining the concept to him, he interjects, "But what happens if your cup runneth over?" Groan.

9:48 – Completely give up. This is not working. It's no fun. It's not worth it.

9:52 – Study package directions intently. Examine illustrations. Have an epiphany. Down and back! Maybe…?

10:00 – One last try, and this is it. I mean it.

10:03 – Wow. I feel nothing. Nothing! WOW! It worked!

10:07 – So ecstatic! Bounce down steps to feed cat. Do several leg lifts in the kitchen. Squat. Jump. Whee. This feels like not even having a period.

6:42 a.m. – All night, no leakage! Success.

Conclusion: If you can get the hang of using it properly, Instead is really great. I couldn't even tell it was there, and it was like having a completely normal, non-period day. However, there's a lot of inappropriate touching involved. It's slightly messy. And it really doesn't like to be positioned incorrectly. Plus, the more I think about it, I'm not sure I'm crazy about landing all those rubber rings in the landfills. I don't see why you couldn't wash them out and reuse them, but it's probably got something to do with spooky bacteria, and that's good enough for me. I'm going to check out the Diva Cup since it's reusable. At the very least, I could see using something like this overnight and on weekends.

Now, I really, really promise not to discuss menstrual blood with you again for a very long time.

I hope eventually I can persuade the boys to come back into the room. It's safe, y'all.


Skywind said...

Thank you for the product test and analysis. I've been curious for quite a while. Allergic to latex though so I'm limited on types. But thank you for speaking in-depth!

momma-yaya said...

Heard both Instead and Diva are latex-free, check the websites for info on that.

Also, is it really tacky, creepy, and/or slutty that what impresses me about Instead is the claim that you can have "clean" period sex? There's a whole section on this on the website. This is not true of Diva, and of course they are not supposed to have any contraceptive effect. But, hmm, I wonder . . . could I convince my husband that I've gone into early menopause by steathily using this product? This news might definitely bring the boys back in the room.

Carole said...

Well, thank you for your hilarious in-depth investigative report! Until yesterday, I had NO IDEA that such products existed. I'm both fascinated and somewhat dumbfounded. Although I'm not sure if I could ever muster up the self confidence to try this (I've been known to FREAK OUT way more than once just because I can't find the tampon string and then panic that I will have to go to the emergency room for a freakish tampon removal procedure and begin hyperventilating until I realize that the string has been there all along and that I'm just a huge dork), I definitely commend you for you adventuresome streak!

landismom said...

Thank you for your steadfast service to all womenkind. I can't imagine doing this test on such a hectic day. Plus, once again with the funny.

red fish said...

Hmmmm... momma-yaya, that might just tip the scales in favor of Instead.